Bauer Power
Every shirt sends a message, and this one says “yes, I may have taken some acid in college, and yes I do know all of the words to Aquarius/Let The Sunshine In, but I would gladly water-board you in a basement if I thought it would help preserve the sanctity of the American Way of Life”.

When I donned this shirt and made my way through the local supermarket, the effect was immediately apparent. The line at the deli counter suddenly disappeared and somehow one pound of pasta salad was “accidentally” mislabeled as only half that weight.

The Wife is reading this, so I’ll avoid discussion of the crowd of single-women who flocked behind me as I traveled through the store as if I were George Clooney or Brad Pitt. But most conveniently, as I walked past the full lines at each check out counter, the light above a closed one illuminated upon my arrival, allowing me instant access to a checkout person. She was of course so mesmerized by the power of the shirt that she was only able to scan a small percentage of the items in my cart. How convenient for me that those she skipped happened to be the most expensive items.

Thank you Jack Bauer – if I have a son he will be named after you.

I Don’t Need a Weapon I Am One
It has been said that “When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up,  he is pushing the Earth down.” Do you know how I know this? When I was ten years old, I was into karate and in one of my magazines I saw an advertisement for an autographed picture of Chuck costing only $10. That amount of money was hard to come by for a ten-year old in 1988, but I worked hard and earned this money (by stealing it from my father’s wallet).

You know what? Chuck never sent me that picture. Maybe I should have been mad, but I wasn’t – Chuck Norris took my money and said “screw you kid, I don’t owe you a damn thing.” I was inspired – he had me at “screw you”. Perhaps my opinion of Chuck waned a bit in the past few years – I didn’t find his absurd association with Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign to be very useful and I don’t appreciate his anti-intellectual, pro-creationist stances.  That being said, he is still Chuck and as they say “When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.”

All of that being said, a funny thing happened when I put on this shirt. A few moments later there was a knock on our door – I opened it and I was surprised to find none other than Chuck himself standing at my doorstep. He had a look of fear in his eyes as if I might punch him at any moment. He carried in his hands an envelope which he presented to me. The envelope contained a check for my original $10 payment plus the equivalent of a vigorous interest rate of 75% compounded over the 21 years since 1988 ( $1,269,986.26 ). Chuck apologized for his neglectful behavior and asked if I would still like his autograph. I replied no and then Chuck asked me for mine. I said no, punched him in the stomach and sent him on his way.

There is truth in this shirt, when you wear it – no weapon is necessary.

Barack-On
Forget Shepard Fairy and his silly little multi-colored poster. The image that got Barack Obama elected is this one – Barack/RockStar.

You must trust me – if you wear this shirt, good things will happen to you.

You will be invited to concerts where you will be given back-stage passes, you may even be invited to sit in with the band on stage – doesn’t matter if you can’t play an instrument – when you wear this shirt – you can.

Healthcare reform? Don’t need it – this shirt is like the immortality granting holy-grail at the end of the last Indiana Jones movie (yeah, I know, there was a more “recent” one, but the Holy Grail was the “last” one – I don’t know what to call the other piece of crap they tried to pass off to us last year).

Taxes? I wouldn’t worry about those anymore. Yes folks – Barack On.

I’m Legal
When dealing with shirts of such power one must be careful that they not fall into the wrong hands, for their power must not be used for evil. Thus I became enraged when I found that this shirt had suddenly gone missing. Who had stolen it from me? Some past nemesis seeking out revenge? I could think of many who I had angered over the years, but our domicile is secured by moat, alarm and German Shepard – no one would have been able to access the shirt.

The fate of the shirt soon became clear – Anna had decided to “borrow” it. The results were nearly disastrous. When the shirt is worn, you create instant trust in the mind of those you encounter. They will feel inclined to offer you anything that you request of them. Fortunately, Anna’s current interests are quite limited and the result of her possession of said shirt was a complementary case of lolli-pops and pre-release copies of the next seven Dora the Explorer episodes. It could have been worse – much, much worse – we don’t have room for a pony around here.

Walken Roll

When you wear it, techno-artists ask you to dance in their music videos – and you will do it.

Everyone will try to imitate your voice, they will fail and you will mock them mercilessly.

You will ask for more cowbell and you will get it.